Friday, 19 August 2011

Is There A Doctor In The House?

I'm just back from discussing my weird back problems with a doctor again, because right now all I want to do is claw at my shoulder and gauge out all the tendons, muscles and nerves because it feels like I have an itch way down deep in the flesh and it's not fun. It's worse than pain.

Anyways, the trip to the doctor was pretty uneventful, apart from her giving me a letter to pass on to whoever is unlucky enough to end up as my doctor in Chester. This is that letter:
I note my findings on previous imaging. No evidence of bony cervical rib formation. The appearances of the right first and second ribs are felt secondary to an underlying cervical thoracic scoliotic deformity convex to the left, the apex of which is at TI. Given the presentation referral to Orthopeadics could be considered."
WTF does this mean? I can gather that I don't have cervical ribs, I'm deformed(!!) and need to go see some Orthopeadics. I suck at doctor lingo, so anything else is beyond me. Please help.

The doctor did say I may require surgery.

Thursday, 18 August 2011

The Reason is You

I said in my first post that I started blogging to get all my 'big thoughts' out (something I'm yet to accomplish) and I stand by that, but I have another reason now as well. I was almost giving up, I had lost my enthusiasm. That is, until I discovered The Bloggess and the beautiful sense of community surrounding her blog.

I was reading through some of her old posts (ok all of them - I was hooked) when I came to the James Garfield Christmas Miracle. I cried, honestly. To think that all these strangers came together to give each other hope, support and assistance. It was beautiful and it moved me. I want to be a part of something like that, to belong to such a fantastic network of people. To be there with them through their laughter and joy, sorrow and heartache, and to assist them whenever and how ever I can.

Basically what I'm trying to say is hello blogosphere! I'm here for the long haul and I hope you'll have me.

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Cheerio Belfast

Today I found out that my ID has been posted out and will arrive within the next week. I was surprised that rather than relieved I felt a surge of sadness at leaving this place. I wanted to say goodbye to the place that has been home to me for the last seven years. It was this city and its people that helped to shape me into the confused little person I am today.

I took the scenic route, through culture filled alleys crammed with quirky bars and whimsical street art, to my favourite spot in Belfast; it's a wall set off the main road outside a gay bar and just round the corner from the Circus School. I love it because the surrounding area is full of memories for me. From here I can see the Albert Clock and the Royal Mail building, which to many people would seem like strange markers but to me they are symbolic buildings around which many of my teenage years revolved. I spent many a drunken afternoon running through the fountains by the Albert Clock and the immense, mirrored facade of the Royal Mail was on the receiving end of many long, admiring gazes while I was high as a kite.

I walked through subways that made me heady with memories, flashbacks from a booze-filled, carefree time. It made me think of happy times with friends I have loved and who I have grown away from. Moving from here is going to be hard, some of the happiest days of my life have been spent wandering through this city, but I now realise that there is very little left here for me. Today I wandered these streets alone. thete

Monday, 15 August 2011

Dear Stephen Merchant

I saw you on Chatty Man with Alan Carr and you said that you are looking for a woman. Is this true? If so I would like to apply for the position Post-haste. I know that you said small women were problematic, and compared to you I am the size of a pea, but I think you are simply unaware of the benefits of having a pixie for a girlfriend, for instance
-We small folk are very good at being the 'little spoon'.
-My head makes for a very good arm rest.
-It doesn't take a lot to get me drunk so I'm a cheap date.

The first time I saw you I kinda knew we were meant to be together, and when I saw you on Chatty Man it only proved that I was correct. Then I was tweeting about it and some guy said he would totally pay to watch us get it on so not only is our love *beautiful* it is also *marketable*.

Lots of love,
                 Robyn xox

P.S. If you could please get back to me on this by October. It's my cousin's wedding and it would be really good if you could make it.

P.P.S. To show you how good we look together I am attaching a mock-up of us that my friend Patrick made. Obviously I am standing on a dwarf's shoulders to give myself a boost because in reality there is no way my head is reaching your shoulders.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

Why Girls Should Earn More Money Than Guys

You know the way there's still inequality in the workplace? Yeah, me neither, I don't know anything about that type of thing seeing as I'm chronically unemployed.  But if they aren't going to make things equal they should totally swing it the other way. Ya wanna know why? It's so much more expensive being a woman. Here's my reasoning:
1. Tampons.
Women need tampons and men don't. Unless they've been doing some weird shit, in which case I don't want to know. Ever. At all. Not one little bit... Ok, maybe an ounce.

2. Toilet Paper.
Us girls use more toilet paper than the average man because we wipe for #1s as well as #2s. This obviously means we spend more on money on it than men. Logic.

3. Hair and Make-Up.
Alright, not every woman needs these things, some people prefer to go 'Au Naturale' and kudos if you' of them, I wish I had your confidence. But for all us woman who are too insecure to go out looking like our naturally beautiful selves, the cost of using make-up and hair products every day makes our monthly expenditure sky rocket.

These things are the only three reasons I can think of right now.

On a totally unrelated note, how painful are periods and childbirth? Not that I actually know about the childbirth thing but still, I've heard it's pretty bad.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

My Biggest Achievement

So I went to the doctor one day to see what was up with the letter they sent to say they found an abnormality when doing an X-ray of my back. So me and my doctor are sitting wondering what was going on there and he felt my chest (get your mind out of the gutter) and I was like "oh hey, could this be anything to do with my super-flexible shoulders?" And Mr. Doctor was all inquisitive so I showed him how I could lick my elbow and he had never heard that humans aren't meant to be able to be able to do that so he was all "hmm" and tried.

And that was the greatest achievement of my life.