Let's Have Some Fun

This beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your PENIS.

When the majority of people cancelled for my birthday celebrations, I anticipated a rather fruitless night. Opinion did not change when Abbie, Jonathan and I, upon arriving at Lavery's, were promptly asked for ID. Which none bar Jonathan had. It just didn't bode well.
But all was not as it seemed, after getting knocked back from Lavery's we thought "HEY let's walk down this here road and go to Ma Nelson's." Couldn't have made a better decision. Abbie bumped into her friend Ciaran, my amigo Simon came along and then, summoned by Ciaran, up popped my friend Sean. We were an odd little sixpiece, each widely different from the next, but we got along like a row of terraced houses on fire. Abbie and Sean did some Karaoke, Jonathan dedicated some Rick Astley to me and I danced around like an idiot, becoming rather drunk as the night wore on.


All too soon it was time for us to part ways, with Simon, Abbie, Jonathan and I getting a lift from Simon's lovely mum. Back at Abbie's it was on to the Onion Rings and Just Dance, singing and general craziness that was well documented in videos and pictures on Abbie's camera.

Today arrived with a mild hangover in tow, and a sign on time of 1:15pm, which I was a bit late for. Jonathan accompanied me, in all his Middle Class glory, to the dole office. Yeo. After signing on we were walking along Howard Street and I said to him, I says "We should stop and get coffee at the next non-chain place we find, and directly after the words had left my mouth I was handed a leaflet for The Bakery, Belfast's newest Eatery. Go there, immediately. It's shabby chic heaven, and the coffee's delightful. The baked goods looked pretty good too, but I was unable to partake in the eating of them as I am cursed with Coeliac disease, and Jonathan's just turned into a bloody vegan so I couldn't ask for his opinion.
Then Jonathan bought me a new pair of black skinny jeans, because my current pair developed a rather gaping hole.

Coincidentally, it was July 20th last year that I purchased them. A new tradition, perhaps? Henceforth, July 20th shall be The Day of the New Black Skinny Jeans.


Oh, I forgot to mention, my bum is a wonderland.

It Was 20 Years Ago Today

Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play.

Well, actually, no. But it has been twenty years since the day I was born. That's right folks, on this day in 1991 my darling mother was given an emergency ceasarian and baby me was ripped from the womb in a most undignified manner. I was bright green, covered in excrement from defecating myself due to the distress caused by my placenta disintegrating. I had been due on June 22nd, but had obviously found my mother's uterus far too comfy and decided that I would stick around for another month, my foetal adaptation of "Five more minutes," a pattern I have continued throughout my life.

On hearing she had given birth to a healthy baby girl, my mother is said to have spoken the fateful words, "That's nice love, go ask the nurse if I can have a fag." My dad and his mum wept tears of joy at the new, ginger baby girl that had been brought into the world. Unfortunately for them, what they took for gingerness was actually blood caked into my hair.

Legend has it, I was also born with teeth...