Tuesday, 19 July 2011

It Was 20 Years Ago Today

Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play.

Well, actually, no. But it has been twenty years since the day I was born. That's right folks, on this day in 1991 my darling mother was given an emergency ceasarian and baby me was ripped from the womb in a most undignified manner. I was bright green, covered in excrement from defecating myself due to the distress caused by my placenta disintegrating. I had been due on June 22nd, but had obviously found my mother's uterus far too comfy and decided that I would stick around for another month, my foetal adaptation of "Five more minutes," a pattern I have continued throughout my life.

On hearing she had given birth to a healthy baby girl, my mother is said to have spoken the fateful words, "That's nice love, go ask the nurse if I can have a fag." My dad and his mum wept tears of joy at the new, ginger baby girl that had been brought into the world. Unfortunately for them, what they took for gingerness was actually blood caked into my hair.

Legend has it, I was also born with teeth...


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